Saturday Insomnias and Sunday Brushes With Death

Pool. Beware.

My weekend was some good and some agonizing.

I work weekends, and it truly is a bane to my existence. I experience work induced insomnia on Friday nights, traditionally, and have lately learned how to deal with it. Not so much this time. I experienced a zombie-like state later Saturday night. Standing in one spot for unreasonable amounts of time, zoned out gaze, raspy “lord of the dead” voice and hands reaching in front of me at nothing.

Sunday was much, much better.  French toast with strawberries, swimming… kind of.

Some background: I didn’t learn to swim until I was 22. Not for fear of water,  merely for lack of learning opportunity.

When I got to the lesson on floating. I learned quickly, but there was a problem. I floated at the bottom of the pool. I resembled an upside down exclamation mark if I managed to keep my head above water. Think of a turtle. I lacked the body fat necessary for good water dynamics and consistently drowned in the shallow end of the pool.  Eventually, I figured that “Dead Man’s Float” was for other people and and would only resort to it if avoiding sharks.

Anyway, Sunday, I floated on the top of the water with the help of a water-filled apparatus and then got a wild hair. I decided to jump off of the diving board. I had done it before during my second swim lesson, many years before and had nearly died of fright. That didn’t stop me yesterday. I grabbed my float and skipped to the diving board. I stood there at the end for a few minutes. Gamer Dude looked up at me expectantly. Neighbors watched me with smiles. It was silent and all the world waited.

“Jump.Gamer Dude said…which made me mentally note to never stand at the edge of a building for any reason with him around.

“You’re scared, aren’t you.” He said.

“No! I just don’t have my goggles…” Earlier, I was lamenting the loss of my goggles. I  used them so I could see underwater without worrying about losing my contacts. You may now ridicule me derisively for two reasons.

I stared at the water.

“You’ll come right back up! You’re wearing a float!” He said encouragingly (I don’t know why. He’s not in my will). I wasn’t scared. I was just measuring the depth of the water and the height of this very high, unstable, narrow, protrusion I was standing on.

I decided to jump.

Blissfully ignorant.

I went down….

I went further down…

I felt the water rushing up…

I felt myself under the water…

…after about 10 minutes, I opened my eyes once I felt the air on my face. I gasped for air. I couldn’t see a thing…but I heard Gamer Dude laughing…

I started hacking a lung. As soon as I could speak I yelled at him, “Whatever!!”
He howled with laughter . “You came right back up!” He guffawed.

I swore that when I could finally see out of my water-logged contacts, I would make my way over to him and commit a crime.

Gamer Dude spluttered, “You didn’t hold your breath, did you??”

I thought back. I think I opened my mouth in horror when I realized that today was the day I drowned in earnest. Unfortunately, I was also underwater.

“I taste hot dogs!” I gasped. cough!

“What does that mean?” He asked.

“I think it means I’m having a *cough* stroke!”


“Oh wait, no. I think that’s scrambled eggs.”


Good morrow,


The author of this post has recovered and spent the remainder of the day serenely, by drinking delicious tea with Modeling Miss while watching JULIE & JULIA, and ending the day making marshmallow fondant and cupcakes. Gamer Dude has not been harmed. Hot dogs were had for lunch.

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3 thoughts on “Saturday Insomnias and Sunday Brushes With Death

  1. Modeling Miss says:

    NEVER trust Gamer Dudes at pools! It’s not their natural habitat! The shock of actual sunlight, fresh air, and real human interaction ovrwhelms them and makes them give HORRIBLE advice/suggestions 😉

  2. Pingback: Personal Care 101

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